I’ve been waking up at 5:15 just about every morning for the last couple-few weeks. Granted, I also currently have the option of taking a nap in the afternoon, and I do almost every day.
It’s getting warmer outside. We’re getting sunshine and it’s weather for light jackets and (if you’re a kid) shorts and t-shirts.
I’m indoors. I don’t leave the house. Not all that often, anyhow. I leave if I have an appointment (chiropractor, therapy), or if I need groceries (generally I pair the grocery trip with one of the Monday appointments), but mostly I stay in the house, in the quiet, speaking to no-one.
There are a lot of things about me that are so much better than they were. On the other hand, I’m coming to the end of my rope with being unemployed, being shut-off from the world, not having the energy or interest in doing dishes or tidying at all around here.
Reverb prompt today: “What are you really proud that you made happen in 2014, despite the gremlins? And what will you do anyway in 2015?”
Shit. This is kind of a hard one. In so many ways I feel like I’ve been waging a war of standing still against the monsters in my head this last year (the aforementioned “gremlins”). They push, I push back. I learn that I love painting, and I unceremoniously lose my job of 5 years. They win a battle, they lose a battle (sometimes them losing is not the same as me winning). I finally find a satisfying and ‘settled’ feeling about the relationship with my play partner, only to realize that that single relationship might be the only close one I have at all. In the dartboard of my life, I am alone in the center. My play partner stands between 7 and 8, but everyone else who was ever there has moved out – moved away – become 5’s. become 4’s.
I learned to reframe things, and that helps me occasionally. “Do One Thing”. Just do one thing, and you’ve accomplished something. Do one thing, and then maybe, do one thing. Later, do one thing, and one other thing. Then you get to look back and see that you’ve accomplished many One Things.
I am making a lot of things happen in 2014 – but there aren’t a lot that I feel like I have pride around. Getting up in the morning isn’t something one takes a whole lot of pride in.
Don’t get me wrong – the year hasn’t been entirely bleurgh – but as it begins to draw to a close I am looking back over it and there’s really not a whole lot to the landscape, is all.
I’m going back to the master list of Reverb prompts for the month of December (since we’re already 13 days in) and will likely pick a few and play a little catch-up. This one being the first prompt of the month, it seems reasonable to start here.
What can I say right now with certainty?
I am unemployed, but I have my own home – a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in, safety from the ravaging wolves that stalk the streets of Oak Park after dark. I can say with certainty that I am standing on my own wobbly two feet, and that my choices are my own.
I can say with certainty that my relationships are not what I would want them to be – but that “they are what they are” and I can accept that for now.
I can say with certainty that Ethyl wants to sit herself right down here on my chest, no matter I’ve got the laptop here, and will give little cries when I explain to her that she has to sit NEXT to me, thankyouverymuch.
I can say with certainty that I am not feeling whole and strong, but that I AM building resilience, which is a better thing to have, anyway – and I have a long way to go yet.
I can say with certainty that I will be living here in my home for at least another 2-3 years, and that I’m quite certain I have all kinds of mixed feelings about that.
I am certain I will be glad to see 2014 out the door – not that it was such a terrible year – and I am certain that I am hopeful and frightened of what 2015 may bring to my life.
Having decided that I want to try to start writing again on a regular basis – without simply whining about the blah-blah all the time, I am attempting to do this by signing on to get a writing prompt every day.
I’m still setting up this page, and I have not yet received a prompt – so count this entry or not, as you will.